The Waiting

I knew adoption came with a lot of feelings. I knew the waiting would get hard. I knew to prepare myself for the absolute worst. I didn’t however, prepare myself for the guilt.

Guilt? What could I possibly feel guilty about?

Inadequacy. It’s been a word I have long since felt captive to. After three years of not having any answers, not getting pregnant, and watching seemingly everyone around me get pregnant “accidentally” it still comes in waves. I have been given just about every reaction to my struggle, “just relax, it’ll happen” and “keep trying, you haven’t given it enough time”, “it took me a few months too”, sorry that I immediately want to give you my biggest eye roll for saying that but c’mon. Really? You think relaxing will make this all go away? How very interesting. I am so glad that worked for your body.

Flash forward to now. We announced our match, we’ve shared what we felt comfortable sharing, and here I am with my guilt. The guilt from still feeling inadequate.

Yes, we are matched. Yes, a baby will soon come into our lives and I will be too busy and tired to remember these feelings. Adoption doesn’t take the place of infertility, because even more so I am reminded during the stress of this process that this would be easier if I could just do it. That’s not true at all. There’s nothing easy about motherhood. There’s nothing easy about giving birth. Yet, here I am feeling inadequate, left out, and overwhelmed by these new feelings. I’m learning that it’s okay that I feel that way. I won’t have anything to say in the conversations with friends about labor. My labor is much different than anyone around me. I can’t add to the pregnancy cravings conversation, or the belly and body conversation. I sit there. Empty. I sometimes wonder if the fake smile is even convincing anymore. I am over the moon excited for this tiny human to come into our lives and change everything, I am not short-changing where we are in the process because of my pain. I am saying that it still hurts. I don’t expect anyone to understand that, unless you’ve been where I stand. I am so excited for baby showers, pregnancy announcements, so happy to come and shower you with love, and the impossible amount of things tiny lives need. (seriously…..why do such tiny beings require so many products…) Just on the inside I feel empty, at no fault but my own. I tried to push these feelings away, but I can’t. That’s okay. I can be a little broken, a little confused, and even hurt. I am healing.

Adoption isn’t meant to heal me, to fulfill some lifelong desire to be a good person, to do what’s trendy or to create a Savior complex. Adoption is really messy. There are dark holes in the internet of horror stories from Adoptees, and while it is easy to feel discouraged and click away, it’s a necessary place to sit. Sitting in the uncomfortable because this is someone’s life we are given to guide. Adoption in my mind, and in my opinion is God showing us that He works in the most unlikely of people, in the most ground-moving ways. God gave His only Son for us, in place of our shortcomings, knowing full well we could never measure up. God uses birth mamas to be His hands. He uses adoption to mirror what He already did for us. He is using this mama as His hands, to do His will for this little life. No matter what happens, it’s His plan and He is writing this story for His use. There is so much good in that, but there is also brokenness and loss. God is in every piece of the story.

This waiting is hard.

This waiting has so many emotions I haven’t ever experienced.

This waiting is growing me.

This waiting has shown me the heart of Jesus like nothing I’ve seen before.

This waiting has given us support from people we never expected.

This waiting is confusing.

This waiting is exciting.

This waiting is worth every single, messy, beautiful, thing.

with grace,

kal